


Just Breathe

by cherrygelb



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Bisexual Louis Tomlinson, Cheating, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Jealousy, Multi, Pansexual Harry Styles, Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-20 06:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18987229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrygelb/pseuds/cherrygelb
Summary: Louis and Harry broke up back in 2015. Now it’s 2019 and Louis decides to share his regrets about what happened back then with the world, by releasing a new song. This new tune causes all kinds of reactions, splitting the Larry-fandom in two being just one of them. Other side effects include: A grouchy babysitter from management watching Louis’ every move during public appearances, deeply personal conversations with Nick Grimshaw of all people, and a surprise visitor on his doorstep.





	1. Should've gone home

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, everybody…a few warnings first: I’m new to this fandom (better late than never, right?), so I’m not really caught up to everything that’s been going on. I’m sorry if I’ve gotten timelines or facts wrong, but hey, it’s called fiction for a reason, isn’t it? Also: English is not my native language and I don’t know anyone speaking it well enough to proof-read my stuff, so I’m sorry for any mistakes you’ll find. If there is anything in here that makes no sense, please point it out to me and I’ll try to fix it.  
> The song I used in the first half of the fic is Should've Gone Home by Mans Zelmerloew (https://youtu.be/GMtvEp2NeZI). This storyline just popped into my head as soon as I heard this song for the first time a few months ago, and I honestly can imagine Louis actually singing this.  
> And of course: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real life events is simply coincidental. I do not claim to know the people mentioned in it or anything about their lives; I simply imagine them as actors – part of the crazy cast that’s constantly shooting movies in my head.

“Are you really sure you want to do this?” Lottie asked, looking up from Louis’ phone in her hands directly into her brother’s eyes. He was lounging on his sofa, trying to look calm and confident, though she could clearly see how nervous he was, slightly hunched forward, elbows resting on his knees, one leg bouncing nervously.

“Lots, for the millionth time, I’ve been fighting for the past two years to be allowed to release this song, nothing’s stopping me now that I have finally gotten the green light for it. Now, please shut up and start recording.” Louis answered slightly exasperated, though adding a wink and a smile in the end to take away some of the heat. After all, it wasn’t his sister’s fault that everyone in his team thought the song was too revealing. Even now, though they finally relented, they were not a hundred percent behind the song. Louis didn’t care though. He wanted – no, needed – this song out there, even though it made him nervous as hell. It was time. Everyone should know this, especially a certain someone.

“Alright, alright, just checking. Recording in three, two…” She finished the countdown by holding up her hand, showing one finger, then pointing at her brother to give him the go ahead.

“Hi, everyone. So…all of you who’ve been following my twitter know that I’m about to release another song, I’ve been, after all, teasing you for the past few weeks with this info.” His face breaks into a wide grin, adding a cheeky wink. “Now, before everyone gets to hear this tune, I need to explain something about it. And yeah, I know, normally I don’t really explain too much about my songs or lyrics, usually I want to leave them up to everyone’s own imagination and interpretation. This one, though, is extremely special to me, that’s why it deserves an explanation. I actually wrote this song a few years ago. Back then, I was going through a rough time, which made me act out and behave recklessly, as a result I hurt the people closest to my heart. I regret a lot of my behaviour back then, I wish I could undo most of it. Though let me make one thing crystal clear: Even though back then it hurt the person I love the most, I do NOT regret my son. Yes, he was a result of my reckless behaviour. Yes, I do wish, that the circumstances had been different, but I do love my lad with all my heart and for nothing in this world would I want to change anything about him…” Louis’ voice trailed off, a tender yet fiercely protective look on his face. After a few seconds he cleared his throat, focusing again on the camera. “Now, to the people I hurt with my behaviour back then – you know who you are. I’m not asking for forgiveness, not for your pity or compassion, not even for your understanding. I just want you to see this song as the apology it’s meant to be. I’m not expecting a reaction to it. All I hope is that you’ll at least give it a go and listen to it.” His voice trailed off once more, a sad look flickering across his face, before he cleared his throat again to continue. “Okay…that’s it for now. Thank you all for listening. The new tune will be available tomorrow. See you soon.” Louis gave a final wave into the camera, before releasing a relieved breath, the whole tension he felt before, finally gone. He let himself fall back onto the sofa, resting his head on the back, staring at the ceiling. He felt Lottie flop down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“You did great. A little off script though. You want to do another take or go with this version?” She asked softly, gently petting his arm. Louis just looked down at her, one eyebrow raised. “Yeah, alright, this take it is.” She grinned. “You do realise with this video we hold the power to possibly destroy the internet, don’t you? All the conspiracy theorists will analyse this to death.”

Louis huffed a humourless laugh. “Yeah, yeah, I know. But it’s important to me, I don’t care what those stiff suits in management think or how crazy the fan-theories are going to be this time. I didn’t mention any names, so management can still try to explain it away, if they need to. I just have to stir up enough of a fuss about this, so that the right person practically has no choice but to listen to it.” Louis answered, tiredly rubbing a hand over his face. He’d come to a point where he simply had enough. Enough hiding, enough pretending, just enough, already. He was so ready for this to be out there, even risking beef with his team. The original plan was for him to just announce the release of the single, management had no idea about the added explanations on his part. Now, he was just waiting for his phone to ring and all hell to break loose, he could practically already hear the yelling, having had to deal with this kind of ‘damage control’ before, during the 1D days, even though this time it was a different kind of damage control. This time they were on his side. This time the only damage they feared was from his old management and still in effect contract clauses, not a fear of dropping sales, losing fans or any other bullshit excuse that was brought up during his time in the band.

“Well, I sure hope your plan works. Maybe you should turn off your phone, postpone the yelling a bit.” Lottie roused him from his drifting thoughts. She chuckled, poking at him until he pulled her into a tight hug.

“We’ll know soon enough whether it’s going to work. I bet there will be the first theories out there as soon as I post this.” Louis started to regain his confidence and snatched his phone out of Lottie’s hand. At first, he was thinking about re-watching and maybe editing the video, but then he thought ‘fuck it’ and just uploaded it. Then he followed his sister’s advice and turned the phone off. Even though he was curious about the reactions that were for sure already starting to come in, he had no interest in dealing with his team’s or anyone else’s response right now.

***************************************************************************

“Hello, hello, welcome back, everybody. And now, finally, it is time. He is here. Just as I’ve been telling you, for the past two hours. Our guest, Louis Tomlinson, everybody, has just arrived and will be chatting with us a bit in a few minutes. And, even better, he brought us an exclusive preview of his new single, that will be released tomorrow! I’m so excited for us all to hear this tune, can’t wait to play the full version, starting tomorrow. For today we’ll have to make due with some of the lyrics, coming up in a few minutes. Now, I’ll give you some Dua Lipa – IDGAF – followed by Ava Max – Sweet but psycho – to tide you over, before I’ll be back WITH Louis Tomlinson, live on air, here on Radio One.”

As soon as the first song started playing and the mics were turned off, Nick Grimshaw turned to greet Louis, who had just walked through the door, talking to one grim-faced guy in a suit he had in tow. Nick raised an eyebrow at the unexpected company, curiously watching their exchange.

“Look, I don’t need a fuckin’ babysitter. I’ve given interviews before, you know.” Louis sounded proper annoyed with his chaperon.

“Yes, well, apparently today your tongue seems to be a bit on the loose side, so you either accept me supervising this interview or I will pull the plug on this whole thing right now.” Came the frosty response from Grouchy.

“Fine, fine, whatever.” Louis huffed, before turning towards Grimmy, rolling his eyes so hard, Nick was afraid they’d get stuck, then greeting him with a smile and a quick hug.

“You okay?” Nick whispered, while hugging him back.

“Yeah, yeah, the bosses just didn’t like my video-post this morning.” Louis answered quietly, then moved away from Nick, taking a seat opposite him.

Grimmy raised an eyebrow at him, wondering what the hell was going on here. Of course, he’d seen the post – wouldn’t be doing his job right, if he hadn’t – but he didn’t see anything wrong with it that would justify Grouchy’s presence. He was just hoping that guy wasn’t going to mess up this interview completely.

“Just go ahead, as you planned. It’s gonna be fine.” Louis said, while the last song was coming to an end.

Apparently, Nick’s thoughts had been pretty obvious. He gave a relieved smile, before turning the mics up. “Aaaand we’re back. Hello, everybody. And hello Louis Tomlinson!”

“Hi, Nick Grimshaw. Hello, everybody out there.”

“Louis, how are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good, thank you. Bit excited, bit nervous.”

“You’re about to release your new single tomorrow, reckon it’s perfectly normal to be nervous and excited.”

“Right you are.”, Louis answered with a breathy laugh.

“Okay…now, since we do not have that much time together here on air, I’m going to get right into it, alright?”

“Of course, go ahead.”

“Alright, so we’re going to get to the actual song in a bit, but first: This morning, as I’m sure most of your fans already know – and if not: Go check it out! – you posted a video on your twitter, dropping a few hints about your song and what it’s about. How a few years ago, you’ve hurt someone you were in love with?” Nick could see Grouchy straighten up out of the corner of his eyes. Oh great, now the suit was getting nervous.

“The relationship I was in back then…things weren’t going well. But instead of talking about the things that bothered me, I acted out, you know, going out with friends getting drunk, doing stupid sh…stuff. Most of it I don’t even remember, I was so off my face. And I kind of thought, what’s bothering me was so obvious, I thought I didn’t need to explain myself, because we used to get each other, even without using much words, it was always so easy for us to read each other. But something had shifted little by little in our relationship and suddenly it was like we didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Besides, I was always crap at talking about feelings and stuff and back then I apparently had gotten too good at hiding them…anyway, I’ve been working on that and I have gotten better at it, obviously. Back then, we both made mistakes in that relationship, though I screwed up by far the most, that’s for sure. So…this song was kind of me working through all that, why I did what I did, you know?”

Wow, Nick genuinely had not expected such an elaborate and honest answer, having kind of gotten used to the run-of-the-mill media-training answers he received most of the time, though thankfully he managed to keep his reaction mostly to himself, thinking of the cameras pointed at them. He quickly checked his notes in front of him, before continuing. “You said in your video you wrote this song a few years ago. Why wait so long to release it? Why now?”

“Well, at first, writing this song was simply therapeutic for me. It actually helped me understand my own actions a bit better and how it all went wrong, maybe I was even thinking about trying to use it to save my failing relationship…didn’t work obviously, because we weren’t talking or even listening to each other anymore back then. Ever since, this song has been stuck in the back of my head and I couldn’t get it out, so I think it was about time this song finally got heard.” Louis voice was soft but firm, while he was trying to explain his motivation behind this, though a slight insecure and vulnerable edge was shining through as well.

“Alright, that sounds fair enough. So, the gist of the song is pretty much: You were in love, you were in a relationship, and that fell apart because you made mistakes.” Nick summarised. 

Louis laughed. “Alright, yeah. That’s the rough content, yeah. Though, I’d like to think it goes a bit deeper than that. I didn’t just want to write about heartbreak, not a typical break-up-song, but actually more about admitting a mistake and having to live with the consequences of that.”

“Oh, from what I can see from the lyrics you brought, it is deep. It actually sounds proper sad, from what I can read here. But before we get into that in more detail, let’s have another song: George Ezra and Shotgun. We’ll be right back, everybody.”

As soon as the mics and cameras were off, Nick glanced over at Grouchy, who was leaning against the wall, off camera. His demeanour was unchanged, though so far, he apparently didn’t mind what was being said on air, not yet interfering. Nick’s eyes landed back on Louis. “You still okay with going through the first verse and chorus? We can still reduce it to just a few lines and not the whole first part.” Nick offered, since it was obvious the younger man on the other end of his desk was nervous as hell, fingers drumming on the table, unable to sit still, fidgeting on his chair as soon as the cameras were off. Nick himself had only received the lyrics shortly before Louis entered his room, but having read them, he could educate a pretty good guess about why he was so nervous.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m aware this song is gonna get me some negative press, but whether that happens today or tomorrow doesn’t really matter. Besides, I already pretty much hinted at it in my video this morning, didn’t I.” Louis answered, voice tight from nervousness, though he visibly tried to calm himself down on the outside, since they just received the signal that the cameras and mics were about to be turned on again.

Nick was impressed. Not just by Louis deciding to put his public-image – his brand – at risk, but also by how well the younger man managed to seamlessly switch between private-Louis and public-Louis, not showing much of his nervousness besides an insecure smile as soon as the cameras were live again. 

“Here we are again. Live on Radio 1, it’s Grimmy here, with Louis Tomlinson.”

“Hi, again, everybody.”

“And we’re talking about Louis’ new song, that’s about to be released tomorrow. Now, we already found out it’s about the end of a relationship. And we’re about to reveal some of the lyrics, so…spoiler alert! Everybody who’d like to be surprised tomorrow, when you get to listen to it for the first time, please cover your ears and hum or summat for the next few minutes.” He could hear Louis chuckle quietly. “Okay, now it is time. The big reveal of the first few lines of lyrics. Would you like to do the honours, Louis, or should I?”

“Nah, I think you should read them out. I’m not sure I’d be able to read them instead of singing them, and I really want to wait with the singing until the big release tomorrow.”

“Alright, I get that. I also find it hard to read lyrics instead of singing them, but since I haven’t heard this one, yet, I think I can manage. Here we go then, the first verse and part of the chorus of your new song, titled ‘Should’ve gone home’.” Nick took a pause, pushed a button, a dramatic drumroll sounded out, then he started to read:

_“I'm trying to sell you another lie_  
_You already bought too many_  
_You can see it through my disguise_  
_And I'm caught already_

_I don't know why I do these things_  
_Guess I love your jealousy_  
_Should've left but I did it again_  
_Now it all fires back at me_

_And I can't break your wall  
I know I went too far_

_I should've gone home  
How hard can it be to say ‘no’?”_

Nick paused again, before taking a deep breath. “Wow…okay, so I’d say we all let that sink in a bit. We just posted those lyrics online as well, so you can re-read them, everybody. If you have any questions for Louis, post them as a comment on the lyrics post. Right now, we’ll play three songs in a row for you and when we’re back, Louis will try and answer some of the questions I’m sure we all have.”

Louis had been looking down at the table while Nick read his lyrics out loud, his leg jiggling nervously, his a bit too long fringe hiding his eyes. He knew he’d been on camera during this, but he just couldn’t look at Nick while he was reading, knowing he would give too much away. As soon as the mics and cameras were turned off again, he flicked his eyes up. The look Nick gave him made his heart ache. He knew. Of course, he knew. Though he seemed to at least have the good sense to realise when to keep his mouth shut about it, after Louis gave him an almost invisible shake of his head and a quick flick of his eyes towards Grouchy.

Nick showed his understanding by giving him a soft smile and a barely-there nod and said instead: “There are already a ton of questions coming in. You want to come ‘round to my side, check them out? Maybe sort out the mental ones you absolutely don’t want to answer?”

Louis came over to Grimmy’s side of the desk, bending over next to him, elbows on the table, so that he could read the questions flooding the screen. “Okay…I wouldn’t mind those…” Louis said, pointing to several posts. “I know, we don’t have much speaking time left, so you pick the ones you think will work best…um…though maybe leave out the hateful ones?” Besides the usual fan questions, curious enquiries and comments, there were also several heated messages coming in, most of them not fit to read out on air anyways, but still. Of course, Louis had known before releasing the song, that it was inevitably inviting those comments, but seeing the words now on the screen still stung.

Nick patted his arm compassionately. “You know I won’t. Don’t worry. I think we can maybe fit three or four questions. I promise, I’ll choose wisely. Nothing offensive, too invasive, or off topic.” Nick ensured. Louis nodded gratefully, and then it was already time to go back on air again, so he swiftly moved back to his seat, his stomach twisting with nervous energy.

“Alright, everybody. We’re back, here on Radio 1, with me, Grimmy, and Louis Tomlinson.”

“Hi, again.”

“Before the short break, we revealed some lyrics from Louis’ new song titled ‘Should’ve gone home’, that will be released tomorrow. Anyone, who’s missed it, can check it out online, where we posted the lyrics we read out. We’ve also asked you to send in questions, and let me tell you, you were listening. We’ve been flooded with tons of questions for Louis. Unfortunately, we can only pick a few to be answered, therefore we’re going with the most asked ones. So, let’s not lose time and get right to it. Pretty much the gist of most comments that were send in, is: Were you really cheating? Are you admitting to being unfaithful in a past relationship?”

Louis took a deep breath, no turning back now. “Yes, I did cheat. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour or be forgiven for it. However, I do sincerely apologize for it, and not just to my ex, but also to everyone who got hurt by my actions! With this song I wanted to make a point of how much I regret my behaviour and how I unfortunately realised too late what I had with my ex and how much that relationship meant to me.” Louis’ tone was contrite but firm, wanting to emphasise that the heart of the song was not being unfaithful, but the sorrow about losing the love of his life through his fuck up. He knew the fans would be analysing this song and anything he said about it to death, but he really hoped some of them would get this meaning, instead of just labelling him as a cheater.

“Sounds like you still love your ex, are you hoping for a second chance here?” Nick hid a cringe as Grouchy threw him a dirty look, while signalling to knock off these types of questions.

Louis didn’t let himself be bothered by his watchdog’s reaction. He was sick and tired of always being censored. There were still things he wasn’t ready to share publicly, but some things finally just needed to be said.

“As I said in my video-post this morning, I’m not expecting anything to come off this. Are there still feelings there on my part? Yes, very much so. However, I’ve come to the realisation that it’s not just about what I want. My ex deserves to be happy and to have a boyfriend who’s loving and caring, and if that’s not me, I’m fine with it, even though it might still hurt.”

“Well, I do hope your song will be heard by those who should. Now, talking about your ex…this is clearly the other most talked about topic out there: Will you reveal who exactly this song is about?”

“I’m not planning to, no. I will not reveal names, especially not without talking to my ex about it first, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Haven’t been in contact for a while.”

“There are some mad guesses at who it is coming in, by the way. Seriously, some people out there have some insane fantasies. Okay, some guys in the back here are getting a bit fidgety, pointing to their watches, which I guess means, we’re almost out of time.”

“Yeah, sorry, mate. I’ve got to go, busy schedule and all that, have to be at another interview after this.” Louis answered sincerely apologetic.

“So, final question for you, Louis: What’s the most important message you want to send out with this song?”

Louis smiled softly at Nick, the DJ had some good instincts, seeming to sense what Louis wanted to talk about. “I think I just want to emphasise, that when you’re in a relationship and there are moments where you’re not happy, it’s important to talk about it, to try and fix it, instead of doing something you might regret later. I only realised what I had with my ex, once I already lost it. I hope my experience helps others to avoid that, because it f…reaking hurts to realise you’ve lost the love of your life because you were too caught up in your own stuff to understand how you felt sooner.”

“Now, that is some powerful way to end this talk. Thank you, Louis Tomlinson. I’m afraid, we’re out of time, everybody. It was really lovely having you here, once more. Thank you for the chat.”

“Thank you. It’s always a pleasure to be back here.”

“Alright, bye, Louis Tomlinson. And, everybody: Don’t forget to check out his new single ‘Should’ve gone home’ out tomorrow! Bye, bye, bye!”

***************************************************************************

A few minutes later, after Nick had finished another link and queued up four songs to play in a row, they met again in a different room. Having to take some quick promotional photos of Louis and Nick for the Radio website. 

They were posing with each other, Nick’s arm casually slung over Louis’ shoulder. While the photographer was adjusting something on the camera, Nick leaned in even closer to the shorter man. “I’m off soon. You want to go for a drink?”

Louis shot him a surprised look, caught himself pretty quickly again though and turned back to the camera, while answering. “I wouldn’t mind a drink or two, but I really do have to get to another interview.” Louis could already see his watchdog nervously looking at his phone, apparently trying to determine whether they’d be able to make it in time across town.

“How about after?” Nick suggested quietly, before grinning widely into the camera.

This made Louis raise an eyebrow, since when was Grimshaw so insistent on spending time with him? It made him curious, therefore he replied: “Don’t know how long I’ll be…but yeah, if you’re still up for it then.”

One final click of the camera and they were done and saying goodbye to everyone. Louis pulled Nick into a quick hug, while Grouchy was already signing nervously that they had to leave NOW.

“Just text me when you’re done and we’ll see.” Nick whispered and surreptitiously slipped a small piece of paper into Louis’ hand. Louis pocketed it, frowning confused, before schooling his expression into something more neutral to follow his babysitter outside.

Louis didn’t get to inspect the paper until he was sitting in the car. He carefully unfolded it, suppressing an amused snort, though he couldn’t help but roll his eyes, an endeared smile stealing onto his face. The note read:

‘Want to go out?  
__Yes __No __Maybe’

Followed by a line of digits – Nick’s mobile number.

***************************************************************************

Finally, the interview from hell was over. No matter how many times Louis tried to steer their talk to his new song, or his music in general, that scumbag was having none of it, only asking about a possible 1D-reunion and if he had news about the other guys.

Louis was glad to finally get back into his car, letting out a relieved sigh, leaning back, while his driver left the underground car park of the hotel, where the interview had taken place. Thankfully, his babysitter decided to take a different ride, since they were done for today.

He closed his eyes, leaning his head back, trying to calm down to the sound of heavy raindrops hitting the roof of the car.

After a few minutes, he reached into his pocket for his phone, brushing against a piece of paper. Nick’s note! He almost forgot. Smiling, he pulled out his phone texting ‘X YES…if you’re still up for it?’ to the number he’d saved as a pink giraffe (no reason, just because) in his contacts. 

A few minutes later, Louis was telling his driver to take a detour and named the address Nick sent him. About twenty minutes later, they were pulling up to their new destination. Louis had never been to Nick’s place, though now he couldn’t really examine the house or its surroundings, since it was already dark out and the remaining raindrops running down the car windows were obscuring the view even more, even though it had stopped raining a few minutes ago.

Louis was nervous. They didn’t do that. He couldn’t recall a single occasion he’d ever spend time with Nick Grimshaw alone, outside of work. He really would have preferred to meet at a decent pub, but after his radio appearance this was definitely out of the question. The fandom was blowing up social media, he’d had to turn off his notifications, otherwise he felt like his phone would’ve exploded with the flood of messages pouring in. As much as he loved his fans, he was not in the mood to answer more of their curious questions today. And it was just a matter of time before the paps would be on his trail, following him everywhere again.

Louis sent his driver off. Pulling up the hood of his jacket, then rushed the few steps to the front door.

A relaxed looking Grimmy opened the door, greeting Louis with a friendly smile. He was wearing a pair of comfortable looking track-pants, a well-worn t-shirt that seemed at least one size too big and he had his glasses on. His two dogs were excitedly jumping around his legs, and as soon as he had entered, around Louis’ as well. He bent down to pet them, while trying to take off his shoes at the same time.

“C’mon, babies, let Louis take off his shoes and jacket first, you can play later. We don’t want him to break his neck falling over. People would think I killed him and I’m too pretty for prison.” This didn’t seem to bother the both of them, however. Louis had to bite back a sarcastic comment sitting at the tip of his tongue, getting distracted by the two cute dogs still trying to wriggle onto Louis’ lap.

“I’ll bribe you with a snack.” Nick offered then, sighing exasperatedly. At the word ‘snack’ both dogs froze, ears perking up, looking expectantly at their owner, making Louis laugh out loud. Nick sighed, shaking his head, a fond grin on his face. “Well, come on, then.” He said, then headed off, the dogs racing after him, skidding around the corner into a room to the left, that Louis assumed had to be the kitchen. He chuckled about the dogs’ antics, while finally getting his shoes off, putting them in line next to Nick’s, then hanging up his jacket, before trailing after Nick.

He watched him feeding treats to the dogs with a fond smile, leaning comfortably against the doorframe. It bothered him a little bit how fond he suddenly seemed of Nick, for once not turning a blind eye to how nice and kind the man actually was. It kind of stirred his guilty conscience about his previous behaviour and thoughts towards the DJ.

“Can I offer you something?” Nick turned towards Louis. The singer warily eyed the bag of dog-treats, making Nick laugh. “I was thinking more of something to drink. Wine, beer, maybe? But if you fancy some of those, knock yourself out.” Nick retorted, shaking the bag of treats, making his dogs bark and twirl excitedly.

“Nah, thanks, mate. But I’ll take a beer.” Louis answered with a cheeky grin.

Nick put the treats away, opened a bottle of beer for Louis, poured himself a glass of red wine, and then led the way to the living room.

They both made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Louis pulling up his legs, as soon as they were sitting, cross legged, slightly facing each other. The dogs decided to join them as well, jumping up, Pig flopping down on Nick’s lap, resting his head on his owner’s knee. Stinky chose Louis, twirling in a circle on his lap a few times, before finding a comfortable position, snuggled up to Louis, who started petting the pug absentmindedly.

“So…” Nick – usually never lost for words – had no idea how to start this particular conversation. His long fingers playing nervously with the stem of his glass.

“So…this is weird.” Louis felt out of his depth, though having a little dog cuddled up to him was oddly calming. “I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to talk to you…” Louis added, shrugging his shoulders apologetically.

“You didn’t have a problem talking in the interview, this afternoon.” Nick answered softly. “You know, you’ve gotten pretty good at completely avoiding pronouns, I noticed.” He added, deciding to just jump right to the point.

Louis sighed. “Practise makes perfect and all that. Besides, ‘m tired of lying.”

“But you’re still not telling the whole truth, are you?”

Louis took a long sip from his bottle, before biting the bullet, getting to the real reason they were having this conversation in the first place. “You know, don’t you? Who the song’s about?”

Nick shot him an incredulous look. “Well, yeah, it’s pretty hard to miss, if you know certain things.”

“I was never sure how much you knew…how much he told you. He never said.” Louis sighed dejectedly, looking away from Nick, focusing instead on the pug in his lap, scratching it behind its ears.

“Look, I know I was a factor back then, I never meant to…you know. I really am sorry if I made things worse for you.” Nick sounded truly sorry and sad about that fact, which once again poked at Louis’ bad conscience.

Louis felt bad that he’d been too immature and insecure back then to realise how nice Nick actually was. Time to set some things straight. With renewed determination Louis looked up, into Nick’s eyes to make sure he noticed the sincerity of his words. Though despite his determination, his speech came out in a soft voice, sounding a little choked up and insecure during most of it. “We both weren’t happy, in the end. Though I think we tried to hide that fact from each other. He turned to you…and you made it look so easy…being out that is. And I was so jealous. At first it wasn’t about you guys hanging out, but because you could do things we couldn’t because I was too afraid to come out. It was only after a while that I started thinking there might develop more between you two. I mean, with you he could’ve been out, which is what he wanted all along anyways. You wouldn’t hold him back like I did. You wouldn’t make him hide who he was. I honestly couldn’t think of a single reason he wouldn’t chose you over me. That’s when I started to distance myself from him, maybe to protect myself from getting hurt in the, in my eyes, inevitable breakup. And then someone send me a link to those pap-pictures of you two partying and looking all chummy and flirty and you taking him back to your place and him not leaving ‘til morning…looking thoroughly fucked, to be honest…and I just snapped, thinking, ‘well if he can hurt me like this, I know how I can get back at him’…”

_I should've gone home  
How hard can it be to say ‘no’?_

_She found me standing at the bar_  
_Spending all my Money_  
_She must've thought that I was a star_  
_The way she jumped right at me_

_I'm addicted to this game_  
_Wish I could just let it be_  
_Should've left but I did it again_  
_Now it all fires back at me_

“You know, we never….” Nick said quietly, after a moment’s pause.

“Really? Never? Not even after…?” Louis asked disbelievingly, throwing him a sceptic look.

“A few snogs, after you were over…though they were mostly fuelled by alcohol…and sometimes anger. That’s it, though. There never was more. We’re friends, that’s it.” Nick admitted.

“Wow…thanks…here goes my last chance at feeling less like an asshole. You know, there was a time I couldn’t imagine even trying to hurt him. I hate myself for doing this to him, for breaking his heart so bad that he couldn’t stand being in the same room with me, let alone talk to me. If anyone else would’ve hurt him like that I would’ve punched that fucker right in the face. After it all went to shit…fuck, I missed him so much, still do really, every day. You know, something happens – good or bad – or I see something I know he’d appreciate, I just imagine myself telling him about it and how he’d react. It’s like he’s inside my head and no matter how much I tell myself to let go, I just can’t. Back then, when we were still required to spend at least some time together for official band business before the break, I just couldn’t get through to him to talk about…I don’t know, after I while I would’ve given anything to just hear his voice directed at me again, he could’ve talked about the weather for all I cared…”

_And I can't break your wall  
I know I went too far_

_I should've gone home  
How hard can it be to say ‘no’?_

“There is really no contact at all? Isn’t there this famous e-mail-chain going on?” Nick asked, remembering Harry talking about that, and not just for the public in interviews, but in private as well, so there had to be some communication between them, for sure.

“Nah, well, there is, but he never writes me, just the other guys. I’ve sent him stuff, but he never responded. The other lads keep me updated with his news, though. Last time we spoke, was when my mum was getting worse…I thought he needed a chance to say goodbye to her too, they were really close at one time, after all. Though those were special circumstances, after all. Last time I saw him was my X-Factor performance a few days after she passed away…I tried to keep in contact with him, after that, but he went back to radio silence. And back then I didn’t really have the energy to fight for him.”

“Do you want him back?”

“I…I’m still in love with him. But…as I told you on the radio, I’m pretty sure to hope for a second chance is useless. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me, or even trust me again. I do however want him back in my life, even if it was just as a friend. I just miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice, and our talks, and his laugh, and his silly jokes…fuck, I’ve resorted to watching YouTube clips of his interviews and his concerts just to get at least some idea of what it’d be like if he talked to me again. And before you say anything: Yeah I know that’s pretty pathetic.” Louis let out a choked up self-deprecating chuckle, trying to hide how close to tears he was.

_I should've gone home  
How hard can it be to say ‘no’?_

_Feels like I've been looking everywhere  
Just to find out that it's you_

Nick reached over with one hand, squeezing Louis’ knee in compassion and comfort. “I wouldn’t call it pathetic…a little sad, maybe, and also a bit romantic…but what the hell would I know about that, huh?” He shrugged helplessly. “Look, I can’t tell you how to get him to talk to you again. I just know it makes him sad to talk about you or anything that went down back then, so we mostly avoid that topic. But if it helps…I think there might still be some feelings there on his part as well, otherwise he wouldn’t still be so hurt by it all. I think you’ll just need to give him time. Keep trying to contact him, you’ll get through to him eventually, especially now that you’re practically yelling your apology from the rooftops…or rather all the speakers in the country – the world – starting tomorrow.”

“Thanks…you know, for listening, inviting me over…I really don’t deserve this, especially from you, but it felt really good to talk about it all.” Louis squeezed Nick’s hand in return, still resting on his knee. He felt strangely relieved, even though his actual problem wasn’t even close to being solved. It’s been almost four years, after all, for fuck’s sake, how was he supposed to win him back after all this time?

“You make it sound like you can’t talk to anyone about this.” Nick chuckled a little self-deprecatingly, though the laughter froze on his face as he noticed Louis’ expression. “You do talk about this to someone, right? I mean, you have friends, a huge family…there must be someone, right?” He added, voice rising slightly in alarm.

“Not really? I mean, there weren’t many people in the know about our relationship. I don’t want to talk to the other lads about this, don’t really want to put them in the middle of this all, they had to suffer enough from the fallout of my fuck-up. I…I used to talk to my mum about it all…after she was gone…I haven’t…” Louis swallowed back a sob, even though two years had passed since her death, he still found it incredibly hard to talk about losing her. “I couldn’t burden my sisters with this…I’m their big brother, I’m supposed to be the strong one, protecting them, I couldn’t unload my guilt on them…it was my fault we broke up…I don’t have the right to complain about it…”

“Louis! Yeah, you did fuck up! But I don’t think you deserve the punishment you put yourself through.”

“But that’s just it, isn’t it? I do deserve it! How can I expect him to forgive me, if I can’t forgive myself for what I did to him?” This time, he couldn’t hold the sob back anymore.

“Argh, fuck!” Nick grumbled, pulling Louis into his arms, stirring the dogs in the process, who hopped off the sofa with indignant yips, both of them leaving the room, after throwing them offended looks.

***************************************************************************

It took Louis a while to calm down again. He was a bit embarrassed, breaking down like that in front of Nick, even though it felt kind of relieving to talk about it. “Sorry…and thanks…you give some good hugs.” Louis mumbled against Nick’s chest. He felt comfortable in his arms, which bothered him a little, making him nervous. He pushed away from him, rubbed his hands over his face, getting rid of the left-over tears, before clearing his throat and taking a big gulp of beer.

Nick could see how shaken Louis was, so he tried to keep the conversation going, afraid the younger man might otherwise just run out of here. “Question: Why be so honest about all of this in public now? What changed? You used to be pretty tight-lipped about your private stuff in the past few years.”

“Freddie.”

“What? Your son? What does he have to do with it…I mean, besides being the result of your fuck up?”

“For a kid his age, he’s starting to ask some really smart questions.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Well…his mum’s in a new relationship, he’s a really nice guy, and we all sat down with Freddie to explain this new situation to him and he handled it all extremely well. So, after a few weeks, when he was with me, he said: ‘Mommy loves Tony, right? And Tony loves mommy?’ And I agreed, and then he goes: ‘You love someone like mommy loves Tony?’ And that brought me up short. I couldn’t very well give him the generic press-answer. I didn’t want to lie to him. I didn’t want him to think…I want him to be proud of me, and not think of me as the coward who hid away the love of his life, who hid away his sexuality. If he ever gets to the point where these things start to matter to him, maybe apply to him, I don’t want him to be afraid like I was.”

_Feels like I've been looking everywhere  
Just to find out that it's you_

_I'm trying to sell you another lie  
You already bought too many_

_I should've gone home  
How hard can it be to say ‘no’? No_

“You know as well as I do, that coming out has nothing to do with age or how your relationship is going. You have to feel ready and everyone gets to that point at a different time, or some even not at all, which is fine as well. Don’t force yourself to talk about this for others, this is something personal you have to do for yourself.” Nick was trying to reassure Louis.

“The thing is…I think I am ready. And I know I have to do this mainly for me, but I’m definitely also doing it for Freddie, he should know who I really am and that I’m not afraid of being me anymore. I already told him and as he gets older, I don’t want to confuse him by stating different things to the press.”

“So, you’re really planning to come out publicly?”

“Yes!” Louis answered resolutely, he was dead sure about this. But after a beat, he amended: “Though I still need to convince my team of this idea.”

“How bad are they?”

“Not as oppressing as those homophobes we had to deal with during the One D days, they’re more concerned about clashing contracts. I mean, yeah, I’m under contract with a new management team, but there are still some clauses from the One D contract in effect, even after it was terminated. There were some clever sleazy bastards at work, let me tell you. Why do you think I’ve still been selling El as my girlfriend for so long, or why H – while being able to wave rainbow flags – can still only make vague hints about his sexuality instead of simply saying the words? He found his loophole in that fucking adhesion contract, but mine is more complicated.”

“Didn’t you all have the same contract?”

“At first, yes. But that first contract was just for a year, to see if the whole band thing would pay off. After that, we signed contracts for several years, those were more complicated, more individual, since they got to know us and our personalities during that one year. They actually let character assessment influence those new contracts. And since I was pegged as the most unpredictable and uncontrollable one, they pulled out all the stops for my version. They used me not being ready to come out to their advantage to the clauses concerning the public image we had to portray. Those are the ones still applying to us, they run out only shortly after the band’s ten-year anniversary. That contract is a fucking nightmare. It took my legal team weeks, to sort through it, and even now, it’s still unsure if they can even find a loophole. So right now, we’re discussing other options. We’re actually considering to simply go for it and break contract by a public coming-out. They’re assessing the damage a lawsuit might cause if we go through with it. That’s also why I got stuck with a babysitter at the interviews today. They’re concerned I’ll let anything slip before they know how much damage it’ll cause.” Louis explained his current predicament, leaving Nick staring at him in disbelief.

“Wow…I never knew it was this…constricting…Harry never told me it was this bad with your contracts, sure he ranted about the higher ups being homophobic asses every once in a while, but he never said anything about them practically controlling every step you took.” Sure, Nick new about public image contracts, he wouldn’t be able not to, being in his job for so long now, but he had no idea they could become this suffocating.

“That’s because he didn’t know how much more tightened my terms were in comparison to his. I wanted to protect him, okay? In hindsight that might’ve been wrong. I know he’s not a little kid, but back then he seemed just so innocent, I didn’t want him to lose that just yet. I didn’t want him to worry. Though I am also a little bit glad, that that’s how it turned out, it allowed him to be as loud as he is with his actions and appearance nowadays.” A wistful smile stole onto Louis’ face.

“Wow, you really were bad at communicating! You’re an idiot, you know that, right?” Nick sounded more affectionate than actually offensive. Still, Louis had to agree with him.

“I know, no need to rub it in.” Louis grumbled, frustrated. “I know I fucked up in more ways than one, alright?”

_I should've gone home_  
_(Should've left when I could but I didn't)_  
_How hard can it be to say ‘no’?_  
_(No no no, no no no)_

“So…you still talk to H regularly, don’t you?” Louis asked cautiously.

Nick raised his eyebrows, rearing back a little. “Oh no! Don’t even finish this thought. I’m not going to try to get him to talk to you. I won’t be doing your dirty work for you!” He protested immediately.

“I’m not asking you to, you big-headed prick.” Louis flared up, but managed to rein himself in again immediately, taking a few calming breaths. After all, he had a favour to ask.

“You do want to ask something though, don’t you?” Nick tried to coax it out of him, a little curious after all.

“Yes…I just…do you think…could you maybe…” Louis didn’t know how to ask. Fuck, why did this all have to be so complicated? He started over. “Look, I know this is all fucked up, me asking you a favour. I mean, it’s me and you! I would totally get it if you’d say no, it’s just…I really need him to hear this song. So, could you maybe…I don’t know…ask him to listen to it? Or maybe play it when you’re with him or something? I know this is a lot to ask but this is all I’ve got, so please, Nick, okay? Please?”

_I should've gone home_  
_(I should've gone home, I should've gone home)_  
_How hard can it be to say ‘no’?_  
_(No no no, no no no)_

“Just what is in that song you so desperately need him to hear that you’re actually turning to me for help? It can’t be just about the apology or you admitting your mistake. I’m sure you tried to tell him that many times already. So, what is it?” Nick couldn’t contain his curiosity.

“Well…it’s just…I…I never really put into words how I felt about him, I just thought he knew. Sure, I said the words I love you, it’s just…that I never told… Okay, swear you won’t leak or repeat this ‘til after the release tomorrow?” Louis found it hard to put his feelings into words right now, so he made a split-second decision.

“Of course. Louis, none of this here will leave this house. You should know by now that I’m not like that.” Nick tried to reassure him, seeming a bit unsure to where this conversation was headed now.

“Yeah, I know. But this is music, it’s actually your job to talk about it. Let’s just say it puts my mind at rest to hear you say the words.” The younger man elaborated.

“Fine! Louis, I promise I won’t mention anything you’re about to reveal about your song until you give me the go ahead. How about that?” Nick visibly had to hold back an eye-roll, though Louis let it slide this one time.

“Thanks.” Louis nodded, satisfied, then dug out his mobile from his pants pocket. He scrolled through something Nick couldn’t see from the angle he was holding the phone. After a lot of scrolling and what looked like entering at least two passwords, Louis looked up at Nick. He took a deep breath, before quietly, almost shyly saying: “Okay, here goes…” He tapped the screen of his phone, before putting it down between them on the sofa. While the first sounds of music filled the room, Louis shrunk back into the sofa-cushions, self-consciously pulling his legs up to his chest, hugging them and resting his head on his knees, while his eyes stayed on Nick, gauging his reaction to every note and every word streaming from the phone’s speakers loud and clear.

_Oh, feels like I've been looking everywhere (everywhere)_  
_Just to find out that it's you (it's you, it's you, ohh)_  
_Oh, feels like I've been looking everywhere_  
_Just to find out that it's you (it's you, it's you, ohh)_

The room was dead silent after the song ended. Louis was still watching Nick, while the older one seemed to stare off into the distance, lost in his thoughts. After a few more minutes Louis cleared his throat, the noise startling Nick out of his trance-like state. “Nick?”, Louis prompted.

“Honestly?”

Louis nodded tightening his hold on his legs in nervous anticipation. He was nervously chewing on his bottom lip and…fucking wait a second…Since when did he care so much about that idiot’s opinion? Oh, right. Since he started to realise that the DJ was actually a decent guy and not the annoying boyfriend-stealing hipster-knobhead he always imagined him to be.

“I love the song. God, I’m going to play this one a lot…”

Louis impatiently gestured for him to continue.

“Look, I won’t promise you anything, but I’ll try to get him to listen, alright? I get what you’re trying to tell him and I think that’s a message he needs to hear.” Nick relented in a gentle voice.

“Thanks, mate. That’s really all I’m asking. I know this is a long shot, but it’s worth a try.” Louis rested his head on his knees again, a relieved sigh escaping his lips, a lot of tension falling off of him. Nick leaned back as well, seemingly still contemplating silently the song he just heard. While Nick seemed to be staring into space, Louis’ eyes curiously roamed across the room, him being too tightly wound up before, to really take in his surroundings. Finally, they came to rest on the coffee table, checking out the magazines and books on the lower part, he could make out through the glass top. “Hey, Nick?”

“Hm?” The older man hummed absentmindedly.

“Why d’you have a baby-monitor?” The small device was peeking out between fashion-magazines and a thick Rolling Stone hard-cover special-edition. He almost would’ve missed it if it weren’t for the fact that he’d had the same one for Freddie.

“Oh…must’ve forgotten to pack it up…I was babysitting my god-daughter the other day. I get paranoid when she’s sleeping in the spare room, have to check she’s still there and breathing and everything…so…to spare myself the inevitable heart attack I bought this thing. Calms me down to hear her do her little breathing-snuffling-sounds while she sleeps.” Nick frowned at the device, then shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed.

Louis laughed. “Oh, I know what you mean. I constantly have to check on Freddie as well, it’s just…sometimes the need to see him or hear him to make sure he’s okay is so overpowering…he’s my everything, you know?” his voice had gone all soft and loving, damn he missed his lad.

“He sounds like an amazing lad.”

“He definitely is, he’s mine, after all.” He added a cheeky wink. Louis’ attention was drawn back to his phone by the sound of a fanfare and a reminder flashing up on the screen. “Oh, fuck, I almost forgot.”

“That’s why there’s this.” Nick used his presenter-y voice, grinning broadly, gesturing at the phone.

“Yeah, yeah. Listen, mate, I have to get going. Have to be on a TV breakfast show at arse o’clock in the morning doing some interview. Have to get up at four thirty for this shit. Fuck, I hate getting older…oh shut up.” Louis grumbled, pointing an accusing finger at Nick after seeing his gleeful expression.

“Hey, I didn’t say anything.” He chuckled mischievously, while raising his hands in mock-surrender.

***************************************************************************

After Louis had left, Nick let out a loud sigh, leaning against his front door for a second. After a while he pushed himself off and went to gather up the beer bottle and wine glass, putting them away in the kitchen. Back in the living room, he sunk down on the sofa, reaching out to the baby-monitor, turning it in his hands and staring at it, while nervously chewing on his bottom lip. He could not for the life of him remember that he put it there, he could’ve sworn it was upstairs in the guest bedroom. Then he noticed something else odd. He pushed a button on the device. Yep, it had definitely been switched on. A suspicion formed in his mind, making him groan in frustration, throwing the monitor to the side into the sofa-cushions.

After a few more minutes he dragged himself up, heading upstairs and into his bedroom. He sighed loudly and shook his head in exasperation, as his suspicions were confirmed.

He approached the figure huddled on the bed, who had both dogs cuddled up to him, the other piece of the baby-monitor clutched in one hand and tears glistening in his eyes.

“Hey, Harry…”


	2. Wish I could just let it be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments and kudos. Here's the next chapter for you.

The past two days had been insane for Louis. First this surreal experience of spending time with Nick Grimshaw and actually getting along for once, even though there were no cameras present. Then yesterday, the release of his song, as well as performing it live for the first time. His phone was exploding with all kinds of notifications streaming in. The fandom was going crazy, most of them guessing pretty accurately the meaning behind the song. He was receiving messages and calls from all sorts of people. Industry-people he hadn’t heard from in ages suddenly started crawling out of the woodwork, being their usual kiss-arse-selves. Then there were the genuine responses to the song from family and friends, and – of course – his lads…well, all except one. Even Zayn had managed to write ‘Congrats, mate. Sick song.’ But also a lot of hate came flying his way. Of course he’d known it was coming, but it still made him feel sick every time he checked on his social media accounts. He tried to ignore them as best as he could, only responding to the more positive messages, thanking them for liking his song, before closing the apps again. He knew himself, if he spent too long on them he would inevitably start reading all the hateful messages directed at him and he would get lost in them and then maybe do something stupid.

Louis sighed loudly, turning around in his bed, putting his phone down beside him. Today was Saturday and he was having the morning off. In the afternoon he had a few interviews until late into the night, some of them being phone and skype interviews for US radio stations and some online magazines.

He’d just gotten off of a facetime with Freddie, the lad had woken up from a bad dream and had refused to go back to sleep without speaking to his daddy. Thank fuck for different time-zones, as it was about 2 in the night in LA but a nice 9 a.m. in London and Louis had just woken up a few minutes before his phone started to ring, almost giving him a heart attack as he noticed who it was from, considering what time it was over there. Louis as well as Freddie had calmed down quickly, though, after talking to each other. And after Louis had promised that Freddie could call him in the morning, when he woke up again, the lad had agreed to go back to sleep.

Fuck, Louis missed the little lad. He couldn’t wait to be with him again.

He wallowed in thoughts about his son a little while longer, before dragging himself out of bed and into the shower.

During breakfast he tried once more to sort through the vast number of messages on his phone, grumbling in frustration or muttering curses every few minutes. In moments like this he wished he could hand this off to his PA, but if his days in One Direction taught him something then it was to NEVER give his management access to his private accounts. They had their HQ accounts where they could pretty much do whatever they wanted, but never again would he be so trusting as to give out his passwords.

Louis had finished his breakfast and after two hours he was about ready to give up trying to sort through his messages again. He was now on his third cup of tea, when the sound of his doorbell cut off another rant about another message full of empty phrases, from a person he supposedly knew but couldn’t remember for the life of him.

Frowning he pulled up the diary on his phone, afraid he’d jumbled up his schedule for today. Nope, nothing on there ‘til he was being picked up at three thirty for his first interview. He closed the diary and tapped the icon for his security system instead. No one was standing at the gate, though the system showed a valid entry of the access code. Huh, maybe one of his sisters? After all, they did know the code, though he was smart enough not to give them keys to the front door, since they had a habit of turning up unannounced and there were definitely some things they didn’t need to walk in on. He was still frowning at his phone, absentmindedly walking to the door and throwing it open. When he looked up, however, he almost dropped his mobile.

“Haz?” Louis let out on a breath. The nickname spilling automatically from his lips. He couldn’t believe he was here, on his doorstep. Harry! Styles! Right here! And he looked good. Fuck! Did he look good. He looked even more mature than the last time he saw him but at the same time he could still see the insecure dimple-cheeked curly-haired 16-year-old underneath it all. Fuck, it made his heart ache.

“Hi.” Harry said, waving awkwardly, like he wasn’t sure why he even came by.

“Hi.” Louis managed to croak, still staring at Harry completely dumbfounded.

“Me being here doesn’t mean I forgive you.” Harry let out in a rush, voice tense but still carrying his ever-present kindness.

“I’m not asking you to.” Louis was actually amazed that he managed to answer without stumbling over his words, he was still completely thrown by his ex’s appearance.

“Okay…good.” The younger man’s voice lost some of the tenseness, sounding small all of a sudden.

“Want to come in?” Louis asked hesitantly.

Nodding, Harry stepped forward. Louis moved to the side to let him enter the house, then closed the door behind him, the sound seeming unbelievably loud in the silence that followed.

Harry looked around curiously, Louis had changed a lot inside his house since the last time he’d been here, even though the gate’s security code had apparently not been one of those things. Instead of framed film-posters and comic-book-prints, there were now framed photos of family and friends lining the walls of the hallway. Harry took a step closer to check out some of the photos, his hand reaching out, fingers softly touching a beautiful snapshot of Jay.

Meanwhile Louis had no clue what to do here, he was completely thrown off balance by Harry’s appearance. He insecurely stuffed his hands in his pants pockets, reminding himself to keep breathing, while watching the younger man looking wistfully at the photos lining the walls. Louis’ eyes were drawn to the photos a few steps down from his mum’s. After the break-up with Harry, he’d gotten rid of all the photos with him in it, packing them all up in a box, that was now hidden in his home-studio downstairs. All photos except one. He didn’t have the heart to put it away, it reminded him of the good times. It showed them during the early days, both wearing colourful hoodies, Louis standing behind Harry, his arms around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder. Harry had turned around, smiling lovingly at him right when Liam had snapped the photo. It portrayed the love they both felt back then perfectly and even though most of the time it was painful for Louis to think back to those carefree times, the good feelings outweighed the bad when he looked at this photo. And then there was Freddie. He was in most of the photos covering his walls. He was not ashamed of his lad, far from it, but he didn’t want to see the hurt on Harry’s face that surely had to be there when looking at the boy.

Louis noticed Harry move along the wall towards the photo of the two of them. He couldn’t bear watching his reaction to it, so to busy himself, he decided to move to the kitchen and started to make some tea for the both of them, trusting that Harry would follow him eventually.

His mind was whirring with possible scenarios of why Haz had showed up. He was so lost in thought, his hands going through the motions of making tea automatically, still remembering how Haz liked his. When he set their mugs on the kitchen counter he was startled when a hand adorned with rings and tattoos reached out for one of them.

“Thanks.” Haz said softly, throwing him a fond look, before sitting down, pulling his phone out of his tight pants pocket and putting it down on the counter next to where Louis had left his mobile when he started making their tea. His behaviour was confusing Louis even more. It was too…normal.

The sat in silence, sipping their tea, throwing each other looks. Harry seemed like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to start. Louis felt so confused, glancing questioningly at his ex-boyfriend, the silence seemed comfortable and familiar as well as slightly oppressing and awkward at the same time. Eventually he just couldn’t stand it anymore. “H…why are you here?” he finally asked, sounding resigned, not daring to look at him.

Harry started to nervously play with his rings, while staring down at the counter top. He took a few deep breaths, before quietly admitting: “I’ve got a confession to make.”

“Oh…okay?” Louis responded slowly, raising his eyes to Harry’s face in surprise. He couldn’t help but feel even more confused. Fuck, this situation was beyond weird.

“So…I was at Nick’s the other day.”

“Okay…” Louis repeated, getting a clue to where this was going, though he was trying not to get his hopes up that Nick succeeded in getting Harry to listen to his song…on the other hand, he was here, wasn’t he? His heart was trying to beat out of his chest, while his inner voice told him to just keep breathing.

“Look…um…I…I was there, okay?”

“At Nick’s? Yeah, you just said so. That’s your confession? That’s…really weird…even for you…sorry, Haz.” Louis felt like he’d never been so confused in his life, this just didn’t make sense. He knew Harry regularly hung out with Nick, so why was he making such a big deal out of it now?

“No…not that…it’s just…okay…I’d been at Nick’s for lunch, before he interviewed you on Thursday. He…he told me about the interview, mentioned the video you posted earlier that day…” Harry started to explain in his deep slow rumbling voice. God, it was nice to hear that again. Louis was slightly startled, though, at his revelation, Nick never mentioned talking to H earlier that same day. On the other hand…it wouldn’t really have changed anything about his talk with the DJ and it was none of his business when the two of them spent time together. _Keep breathing._ He looked encouraging at Harry, waiting for him to continue, because this still didn’t quite fit the definition of a confession, so he was sure there was more to come.

“Well…I went home…I…I watched your video-post…tuned in to your interview…” his voice softening more and more, ‘til it was barely a whisper. Louis had to hold himself back from saying something, from laying a comforting hand on Harry’s who was still nervously fiddling around with his rings. He wasn’t his to touch anymore. And the worst thing, Haz still couldn’t look at him, that’s how he knew, there was more to this story, there was more. So, he tried not to let his impatience show, tried to stay calm on the outside, so that Harry could continue his ‘confession’. _Just fucking keep breathing._ He knew he had to give him time to find the right words, but still, the wait was killing him.

“He texted me, after getting home from the radio. Told me he offered you to talk…you know…never in a million years would I’ve thought you’d accept that offer…um…anyways…he wrote me again when you agreed, mentioned he’d take the dogs for a short walk before you came over, so that they wouldn’t disrupt your talk…um…so…I made a split second decision…and I know it was stupid and childish and I’m sorry, okay? But I can’t undo it and I’m not even sure I want to.” Harry finally managed to get it all out in a rush, then looked up at Louis, an almost defiant look in his eyes.

Louis blinked at him. That really didn’t clear things up at all. “Um…still not really sure what you’re trying to say here, Haz.”

“Oh…um.” He blushed. Actually blushed! Fuck, Louis hadn’t seen that sight since Harry was still an awkward teen. However, it was still just as adorable and endearing to him as it was back then. _Breathe._

“Well…you see…I have a key…and while Nick was out with the dogs, I kind of…um…snuck in…hid in the bedroom, after…” the end of that sentence was mumbled so fast and quiet that Louis couldn’t possibly understand it…but something else registered with him. “You were there? At Nick’s? While I was there? While we were talking? You were there? Were you eavesdropping? Did Nick know? Was this a set-up? You? I… What? Just…WHAT!?!” The questions tumbled out of him in shock, Louis’ heart was racing and he was frantically searching his mind for everything he told Nick, if there was anything said he’d rather Harry didn’t know. He felt a bit faint, to be honest. Was he hyperventilating? And when did his ears start ringing?

He didn’t know when or how it happened, but suddenly Harry was right there. One hand on Louis’ shoulder, the other cupping his chin, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Louis…Lou…hey…deep breaths…okay? Lou…you with me?” Harry sounded slightly panicked, which made Louis snap out of it.

“Haz…what?” he breathed. Tried to slow down his breaths to a normal pace again. He felt hyperaware of everything Harry. Felt his touch on his face, on his shoulder, almost like a burn. He felt like he could get lost in the depth of Harry’s eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time they were standing this close, or the last time Harry looked at him with something other than sadness and hurt in his eyes. The sadness was still there, but his eyes were also exuding kindness and THAT he did not expect, not directed at him. His heart was jackrabbiting in his chest, he was shaking slightly, sure that Harry could feel the thumping, while standing so close.

Louis took a few deep shaky breaths, trying to shake off the confusing emotions coursing through him. “Okay…once again: What? Haz, did you spy on me?” Louis asked, voice mostly back to normal, while taking a step back. He needed some distance between them, he couldn’t focus on this conversation, if Harry kept touching him.

Haz cleared his throat and sat back down. “Look, I…I remembered Nick had that baby-monitor…so yes, I listened to you two talk. And please don’t blame him, he didn’t know. And I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for sneaking around…I just couldn’t stop myself, once I started.” He admitted sheepishly.

“Wow…I…honestly, I have no idea what to say. Just…give me a sec.” Louis closed his eyes, propped his elbows up on the counter and buried his face into his hands, trying once again to recap in his mind his conversation with Nick. After a while he sighed loudly and looked up again, right at Harry, who’d been waiting, chewing his bottom lip nervously.

“Okay…I just…thank you for your honesty, first of all. And…seriously…I’m not sure I want to undo it either…you eavesdropping that is. I do feel a bit cheated – and yeah, I know that’s rich coming from me – I would’ve preferred you actually agreeing to talk to me or respond to my messages…but I didn’t say anything I regret or that I wouldn’t have told you in person.”

“Can I ask you something?” Harry asked timidly, looking rueful. “About something you told Nick?” he clarified in a small voice.

“Anything. Alright? You can ask me anything, always.” Louis assured him.

“Okay…thanks. Um…when you told Nick that…“ Harry didn’t get to finish his question. Louis’ mobile started ringing with a facetime call, making both of them jump in surprise and stare at the phone. A photo of Freddie broadly grinning into the camera was filling the screen. Louis took a deep breath before picking up his phone, trying to block out Harry’s presence for now. He didn’t dare look up at him to get his reaction, he couldn’t talk to his boy while worrying about whether he would hurt Harry by it. Freddie was now his number one priority.

“Daddyyyyy.” Freddie squealed excitedly as soon as he answered the call and appeared on the screen, making Louis chuckle. The little lad was clutching his favourite stuffed toy – a purple squid called Skit that accompanied him everywhere – to his chest.

“Hey, love. Did you sleep well the rest of the night?” Louis’ voice immediately turning warm and fond, while talking to his lad.

“Yeah. No more bad dreams. Skit helps, he catches bad guys like you promised.”

“See, I told you. What else would all his arms be for?” Louis agreed, gesturing at the plushie clutched to his boy’s chest.

Freddie giggled adorably in response. 

“Now, lad, what are you doing today?” Louis asked, smiling back broadly. His baby’s laugh always managing to make him smile.

“Mommy said we can go see Skit’s friends at the aquarium.” He started chattering excitedly, trying to name as many sea-creatures as he could think of.

Louis chuckled when Freddie came to the end of his list. “That’s so awesome, love. Ask mummy to send me lots of pictures okay? It’s gonna be so much fun, I’m sure!”

“Can we go ‘gain when you come?” the lad asked excitedly.

“Of course, we can. We have to take Skit to see his friends again, don’t we?” Louis agreed wholeheartedly.

“YAY! Take Skit see fishies, and then…ice-cream and footie?” Freddie squealed, clapping his hands in excitement.

Louis chuckled, a fond look on his face. “I promise.”

“Daddy?” Freddie’s voice all of a sudden sad and small, his mood suddenly changing.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asked, concerned, sounding unbelievably tender, his voice carrying so much love for his little lad. God, he wished he could just pull him through the screen of his phone right into his arms.

“How many sleeps ‘til you come?” he asked timidly.

“Five more sleeps, love.” Louis put his hand on the screen of his phone, as if he could caress his son’s cheek in comfort.

“Miss you, lots and lots.” Freddie sniffled.

“Oh, I miss you too, so so much. But you’ll see, I’ll be there before you know it. Five sleeps is not that long and until then you can facetime me anytime you want, okay?” Louis reassured his boy.

Freddie nodded, perking up a little again. He had figured out this function of his mother’s tablet computer a while ago, and Louis made sure he knew he could call him anytime, he would drop everything for his son, never not answering his calls.

“Now, you have to take Skit to meet all his mates at the aquarium. You go and have fun and be good for your mum, alright?” Louis tried going back to cheerful and excited, so he could see his boy smile again.

“I promise, daddy…love you.” There it was again, the broad Tomlinson smile.

“Love you too, Freddie.” His voice was full of emotion, smiling at his baby.

“Bye daddy! Love you, love you, love you!” Freddie waved and blew him a kiss, making Louis grin broadly and tear up a little at the same time, while saying goodbye as well.

He kept staring at his phone, after the call ended, even after the screen turned itself off again. God, he wished he wasn’t so far away. He always felt so torn between his lad and the rest of his family needing him here. If he could he would split himself in two for them.

“He…he’s so big already. God…fuck…Lou, he’s so…you. He’s…he…he sounds amazing…your baby boy.” Harry’s whispered words sounded so close to tears it made Louis’ head snap up to look at him. He looked wrecked, so fucking wrecked, like he was about to fall apart, and there was only one thing Louis could think about doing. With three quick strides he was on the other side of the counter and before he could talk himself out of it, he pulled Harry into his arms, hugging him tightly. Now it was his turn to calm down the younger man. Despite being bigger, Harry managed to bury himself in Louis’ embrace, wrapping his arms around his waist after a moment’s hesitation, making Louis feel the silent sobs shuddering through his body. God, Harry felt so achingly familiar in his arms, Louis couldn’t help but deeply breathe in his scent. The cologne was new but underneath it was something so…Harry, it made Louis’ heart ache.

“Haz…H…breathe…talk to me.” Louis prompted, not quite sure how to deal with this emotional breakdown. He just felt so utterly lost and confused. How was he supposed to go from no contact at all to having Harry here, in his arms? He felt like every move he’d make would certainly snap Harry out of whatever possessed him to seek him out today and make him leave. Still, he gently rubbed his hand in a circle on Harry’s back, trying to comfort him.

“You’re a dad…you’re…and…and, fuck, he’s so cute and sweet and innocent…and he’s yours and…hers…and, fuck, I just…I…always knew you’d be a great dad…just…I…damn it…I thought it would be us…and…and now you’re you and I’m me…and it’s all fucked up…and…I just fucking miss you…like…all the time…and…I want to forgive you but…but…then I see you…and all I can think is…you fucking HURT me…and…I…I don’t know what to do…I don’t…I can’t…Lou…” Harry let it all out, between quiet sobs and hick-ups he tried to get it all off his chest, everything he bottled up during the past years, while desperately holding on to Louis.

_I should've gone home_

***************************************************************************

Nick stepped into his house, softly closing the door behind him, while Pig and Stinky rushed over to greet him excitedly. He was tired and a bit cranky, because the meeting after his show had run much later than expected. Now, he was very much looking forward to a quiet evening in front of the telly, maybe ordering in some food and…wait a second! Food? Why was it already smelling like food in his house? He suspiciously eyed his dogs, before shaking his head about his own stupidity. Right. As if his dogs could cook him dinner. Ha, wouldn’t that be amazing? But then who…? He was just considering a burglar who got hungry while trying to rob him, when suddenly Harry popped his head out of his kitchen into the hallway.

“Hi, Nick. Are you going to stand there all night or are you coming in to eat?” He said as if he was so obviously meant to be here right now, that Nick was frantically searching through his mind if he’d forgotten about them making plans, though nothing was coming up. Nope, this definitely was not planned. He sighed silently, waving his quiet evening of doing absolutely nothing goodbye, before following Harry into the kitchen. Nick really loved all of his friends dearly but sometimes he just needed an evening to himself. Still, with everything going on right now, with the Harry-and-Louis-situation, he couldn’t very well kick Harold out. Besides, he was just a tiny bit curious if there had been any new developments between those two, after all, he had made Harold promise him to talk to Louis, after Nick had found him eavesdropping with the baby-monitor. Oh well, at least he was getting a free homecooked meal out of this.

The food had been delicious, but he hadn’t expected anything less, he knew Harry’s cooking after all. Now, he was watching the younger man busying himself by cleaning up their plates and tidying around the kitchen.

“What’s going on, Harold?” he asked, interrupting the younger man’s work.

“What do you mean? Can’t a man make his friend a nice surprise dinner?” he asked innocently.

“Oh, a man certainly can. But YOU don’t do that. Usually, when you cook something, you make a big deal out of it. You invite people, and announce everything beforehand and tease us with what you’re going to prepare for us. You don’t do THIS.” He vaguely waved his hands around, gesturing at the remaining evidence of dinner. “So, what’s up?” Nick asked once more.

Harry sighed loudly, leaning his head back, staring at the ceiling in defeat.

Nick sighed as well. He stepped around Harry, who had now closed his eyes, an insecure expression on his face. 

Nick poured some wine into two glasses and pressed one of them into Harry’s hand, which made the younger man jump slightly, snapping out of his pensive state. The DJ then started walking towards the living room, flopping down on his sofa, feet up on the table. He trusted that Harold would follow him soon enough. After all, he was the one who came by to talk.

After a few more minutes, Harry strolled into the room, sinking down onto the sofa, cuddling up to Nick, leaning his head on his shoulder. “So…how was your day?”

“Harry!” Nick said warningly. “Stop your deflecting-tactics, they’re not working. C’mon, spill!” God, he was way too tired for a conversation that looked like it’s going to be like pulling teeth.

“Fine.” Harry sighed, before mumbling something under his breath.

“What was that, love?” despite the proximity, Nick didn’t catch what he was saying.

“I went to see Louis this morning.” Harry finally admitted, while distractedly playing with a loose thread on one of the couch cushions.

“Oh, yeah? How was it?” Nick asked softly, trying to hide his surprise, he thought for sure he would’ve tried sticking to texting first.

“Well…weird…but nice?” Harry slowly replied, voice insecure.

“But…?” Nick prompted when Harry stayed silent.

“But…it was also confusing…and kind of left me with more questions than answers, really. But at the same time, it was nice to talk to him again, to see him again. So many things were like…they were before. Like nothing’s changed. But then, bam, something’s said or done and everything comes rushing back, like we just broke up yesterday.”

“You know…to me it sounds like you both never really dealt with what happened. How many times did I try to talk to you about things back then, and you always managed to wind yourself out of those conversations? And after hearing Louis talk about it, I think he also never really found a way to really deal with the issues that were causing your rift. You both still love each other, that much is pretty obvious and also that’s why it still hurts, I think. You need to find a way to work through the hurtful things, so that you can maybe both get back to some common ground again, even if it’s just platonic friendship, if you don’t think you can trust him enough to be boyfriends again.” Nick tried to convey what he thought about this whole mess of a situation.

“I just don’t understand myself! How can I still love him, after everything he did? I tried so hard to forget about him, to stay angry at him, to just…I don’t know…tell myself I’m better off without him. I just can’t…I can’t erase him…no matter what I do, he’s part of me, he’s constantly in my head and probably forever in my heart. But still…it hurts…so, so much. The memories of what happened are present all the time. And then…then there’s his little boy. And god, he’s so fucking cute, he facetimed while I was there. Fuck, how can I blame that kid? How can I wish he didn’t exist, because that would be less of a reminder of what Lou did? How can I see a little boy, looking so sweet and innocent and so much like Lou and yet all I can think about is that’s the result of my boyfriend cheating on me. And…fuck, I just don’t know what to DO! I want to forgive him, I honestly do. But there’s this constant reminder. I can’t very well ask him to choose. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly okay with this…this part of him. And I hate that I’m putting all of this on a small child, I mean, it’s not the kid’s fault, and deep down I know that, but still…Nick, I don’t know what to do!” Harry sobbed softly, turning to cuddle into Nick, who sighed softly, pulling the younger lad into his arms.


	3. I know I went too far

Nick was shuffling around his house, grumbling a string of curses, all the while clutching a mug with hot strong coffee like his life depended on it. Damn popstars and their fucked-up hearts, crying on his shoulder ‘til early morning, not letting him sleep. His two furry babies had woken him up at their usual time, only three hours after Harry had left for the airport, on his way to important LA-popstar-business. Bastard. Right now, he was probably all snuggled up in his first-class lounge chair, sleeping like a baby. Nick felt like death warmed up, so he just let the two menaces out into the garden instead of taking them on their usual morning walk. He’d make it up to them later. He was just contemplating going back to bed, when the doorbell interrupted his musings, making him jump in surprise, almost spilling his precious coffee. “Fucking hell!” He cursed loudly, wondering which one of his insane friends had decided to bother him unannounced this early on a Sunday morning.

“Louis?” He asked incredulously, after throwing open the door, frowning at the shorter man. “What are you doing here?” Nick stared at Louis, completely baffled by what was currently happening.

“Harry came by mine, yesterday. We talked a bit…” Louis answered, as if that would explain his presence.

“Yeah, I know. He came over last night. Told me you two were taking baby-steps but into the right direction. What did you do now?” Nick moaned, clutching his mug like a life-line, while taking a careful sip. Damn it, still too hot.

“Nothing, you dickhead! I just…need your input on something.” Louis retorted, before simply pushing past Nick into the house, marching into the living room and flopping down onto the sofa like he owned the place.

“Oh, great. What am I? Your personal therapist? And, sure, come on in, it’s not like I had plans.” Nick muttered. No one had to know those plans involved his bed and another few hours of sleep. He sighed loudly, bowing his head in resignation, before closing the door and trotting after Louis.

“Oh, come off it. You LIKE this. Having front row seats to some Larry news.” Louis peered into Nick’s mug as soon as the DJ sat down beside him. “Ugh, coffee…d’you have tea?” Louis didn’t bother waiting for a reply, jumping up and skipping into the kitchen.

“I’m not getting up.” Nick grumbled, hearing Louis rummage around in his kitchen cupboards. “Have you ever thought about…oh, I don’t know…going to ACTUAL therapy?” he called out into the direction of the kitchen. “Maybe then I can finally get some sleeping done around here.” He added in a whisper under his breath.

“We have, actually.” Louis yelled back over the sound of the kettle boiling.

“You what?” Nick asked, voice rising incredulously.

“Considered it. Therapy. You know, just need to find someone trustworthy. Oh, and someplace discreet. If we show up anywhere together all hell’s gonna break lose. Besides, we don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, before we know whether we can actually get past our issues.” Louis answered, like it surely had to be obvious.

_‘Huh. Seriously? That damn popstar manages to ramble on the whole night about your talk, not letting me sleep, but THAT he conveniently forgets to mention.’_ Nick thinks. “You do know that all hell’s already broken lose anyways, right?” he says out loud instead.

“What do you mean?” Louis strolled back into the room, steaming mug of tea in hand.

“Your song, idiot. Everyone’s going crazy about how it’s most likely a response to Two Ghosts. The Larry fans are all ecstatic, celebrating it as proof, while splitting into two groups. One thinks that you’re a daft idiot for breaking Harold’s heart and you do not deserve him nor being forgiven for what you’ve done – and believe me, I’m using a nice wording for this right now, you should see what they…on the other hand, maybe you really shouldn’t. Oh, and the other half thinks Harry should forgive you and they basically wish for you two to have a Disney-worthy happy-ending. Oh, the things they’re posting, it’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in a while. Then, since yesterday, photos of fan-encounters and pap-shots of Harry in London pop up all over the place, while you’re here as well…now most of them think he rushed over here to confess his undying love and take you back or whatever. Believe me, the rumour mills are working overtime right now.” Grimmy ranted, in disbelief that Louis seemed to seriously have no idea what was going on in the fandom right now.

“Are you going online as GrimmySecretlyLovesLarry or how do you know that stuff?” The younger man asked cheekily.

“Ha-ha, very funny. It’s my job to stay up to date with current popstar-drama. Besides, because of our interview I’m being tagged in a lot of those new-Larry-theory-posts at the moment. Let me tell you, the Tomlinshaws are not happy.” He quipped, grinning broadly.

“The what?” Louis looked confused.

“The To…oh just forget it.” Nick was way too tired to get into THAT particular topic right now. “So…about Harry…?” he changed direction instead.

“Oh, right. Well, of course, in our talk yesterday, we only touched on the surface of our problems. There were a lot of emotions, a lot of crying…but it was a start, a good one, I think. Anyways, the input I need from you is not really about Harry, it’s more about something else we talked about…coming out. Me, that is, not H and me or whatever.” Louis was talking fast, clearly nervous.

“Okay…I thought legally you couldn’t do that right now?” Nick replied slowly, not quite getting where Louis was going with this. He had no idea how he was supposed to help Louis with this. It’s not like he had a lot of experience about coming out. Sure, of course he told his family, but their reactions were more like ‘Yeah, what else is new?’. Since then he never felt the need to sit someone down and tell them ‘Hey, I’m gay.’ He was letting people who previously had no idea know more subtly. Talking about lads he thought were fit, mentioning flirting with a hot guy, things like that.

“Yeah, well, had a chat with my team, yesterday, after talking to H. Looks like we found my loophole. It’s true, I can’t actually step forward and say something, but I can ‘get caught’ doing something. At least, that’s what they came up with. I’m still not allowed to confirm anything afterwards, but I’m also not required to deny it anymore.”

“Wow…okay. Sounds like a plan. Just…how exactly is that supposed to work? It’s not like you’re seeing someone right now. You’re not? Right?” Nick probed nervously.

“No, I’m not. Not since Harry. I mean…I tried. Going out once, twice with someone, but it just…didn’t feel right. It’s him, always was, always will be. No one else could come even close to what I feel about H.” Louis admitted softly.

“Alright…so how are you supposed to get caught doing something if you’re not…you know, doing something?” Grimmy asked bewildered. God, he was still too tired for this, nothing quite made sense to his sleep-deprived brain.

“Well…same way I had to give the impression of being straight for years: Stage it.”

Nick just stared at him quizzically over the rim of his coffee mug, no response to this crazy idea coming to mind.

Nick clearly wasn’t giving him the reaction he was hoping for, since Louis elaborated: “You know, like a beard…or not really…is there even a word for this? Anyway, I mean, I wouldn’t want to stage a whole relationship, like I had to do with El. More like…I don’t know, going out, flirting with a guy, a bit of snogging, maybe…And that’s where you come in. I thought maybe you could do it, you know, if you’re up for it, of course…” Louis looked at him expectantly.

Nick sputtered on his coffee and ended up having a coughing fit. Fucking popstars. Completely mental, the lot of ‘em.

“You want me to what?” he croaked, once he could breathe again.

“To hit on me in plain sight of preferably many cameras, while I pretend to definitely be interested in hooking up with you.” Louis explained like the way this conversation was going had to have been obvious for Nick. He took a sip of tea, before adding: “Already texted Harry about it. Been texting him for the past hour, since he got on the plane. Was his idea, actually. For it to be you, that is. He seems cool with it, said he trusts you with this. And I know right now he trusts you more than me, which is fine, I get it. And well…if Haz trusts you with this, so do I.”

All Nick could do was stare at Louis. Was this really happening? How the fuck did he get himself into this situation? Maybe it’s about time he found some new friends. Less insane ones, preferably.

Louis was staring at him, clearly waiting for a response, anything really, but he just couldn’t stop staring, couldn’t manage to make his brain function enough to come up with something to say to this. Fuck, he needed sleep! After a while, Louis just grinned cheekily at his response, or rather lack of one. “I’ll just text Harry that you’re thinking about it. I’ll leave you to it.” And with this deadpan comment and a patronising pat to his arm, Louis walked out of Nick’s house, leaving him alone with his swirling thoughts.

***************************************************************************

The next few days were packed with promo for Louis’ single, it was interview after interview with a few photo shoots and two live performances strewn in between. Then he was off to LA and while there were a few interviews scheduled for the ten days he stayed there, he was able to spend the majority of his time with Freddie, making good on his promise about the aquarium-trip. He kept texting cautiously but regularly with Harry, who finally had managed to convince Nick that their idea wasn’t as crazy as he had deemed it. Which meant, that now he was added to a group chat with Harry and Nick, trying to work out an exact plan. If anyone would have told him that a few months ago, he would have smacked them, trying to knock some sense into them. His life was crazy at the moment, and his feelings…well, they were all over the place. It was just too easy to get used to the fact that Harry was part of his life again, even though he was still afraid one wrong word or gesture on his part would send the younger one running again. And then The Incident happened.

Louis had nothing scheduled for his last four days in LA and was therefore having Freddie over at his place. He loved having his lad all to himself, spending quality time with him and not just picking him up for a few hours. Initially, he was supposed to pick Freddie up the next day, but Tony had caught a really bad case of the flu, so Briana had asked Louis to take Freddie a day early, so Tony wouldn’t pass on his flu to the little guy. Of course, Louis would never say no to spending more time with his lad, so he had immediately agreed, telling her not to worry.

Freddie was still down for his afternoon nap and Louis was lounging on his sofa, checking his phone for important messages, when suddenly the gate buzzer sounded, startling him. And then, he remembered.

“Oh, fuck!” He muttered, while pulling up the gate camera on his phone. Yep, there he was. Fuck, fuck, fuck! After texting regularly, they had agreed to meet up again this week, once they could get their schedules to match up. Nothing special was planned, just to talk some more, trying to find some common ground again, trying to establish at least some kind of foundation again. Louis had been so busy with Freddie, overjoyed to get some extra time with his lad, that he had completely forgotten to write Harry to postpone his visit. And now, here he was, waving at his gate camera. Fucking hell! He was almost a hundred percent sure that H was so not ready for this, to actually be confronted with Louis’ son in person. The last time he practically fell apart witnessing a phone call. He couldn’t do this to Haz. Besides, as much as he would love to spend time with Harry, faced with this choice Louis would pick Freddie over anyone, he was now his number one priority. Louis closed his eyes, sighing dejectedly, before tapping the intercom-system-icon on his mobile.

“Um, hey.” He greeted Harry cautiously.

“Hey, Lou, c’mon let me in.” Harry sounded so happy. Fuck how he’d missed that. Sure, they had been texting regularly, but he had missed Harry’s voice, the slow deep drawl of it. And happy…well for the life of him he could not remember the last time Harry spoke to him sounding genuinely happy. 

“Um…I…look as much as I’d like to…um I’ve got Freddie here, had to take him a day early.” Louis explained haltingly. 

“Oh…” Harry let the sound out slowly, sounding taken aback and insecure.

Fuck, he hated how the easy smile disappeared from Harry’s face, expression changing to thunderstruck instead. He could practically see the thoughts racing through his mind, as his eyes wandered off, staring at some distant point. It made Louis’ heart hurt. Made him feel so torn between the two people in this world he loved more than anything.

“Look, H, I’m so…so sorry. I meant to text you…but then…I…got distracted…and forgot…” Louis rambled on, trying to somehow save this situation, though he had a feeling he was only making it worse, he just couldn’t stop. Couldn’t risk losing Harry again, now that he barely had him back in his life. “I’m really sorry, Haz…um…maybe we could…”

“Lou!” Harry interrupted him, making him snap his mouth shut, concentrating back on the screen of his phone, where Harry was looking back at the camera again, right into his eyes, like he knew Louis was watching him through the camera.

“Yeah?” Louis responded cautiously.

“Let me in.” He said it quietly, voice shaking, though with a determined edge to it.

“A…are you sure?” Louis couldn’t help sounding doubtful.

“Let me in.” Harry repeated, voice a bit firmer, but still slightly shaky. A small tender smile was back on his face, though Louis could also see the insecurity in his eyes.

“Haz…you don’t have to…”

“Lou…I know…just…”

“Okay…okay.” Louis pressed ‘open gate’. He felt a bit nauseous. He was really hoping Harry was ready for this, that meeting Freddie would not push him away further. _Keep breathing._

Louis could not remember the last time he was this nervous. The time it took Harry to drive through the gate up to the house felt like forever, like it was passing by in slow motion. He was waiting for him, standing in the opened door, trying to casually lean against the frame, even though he felt so jittery and nervous inside that he felt more like he had to jump up and down for a bit to get rid of some of the nervous energy coursing through him. Then finally, Harry pulled up in front of the entrance, getting out of the car. While he was walking towards him, Louis narrowed his eyes at him, recognising several nervous tells, like twisting his rings with his thumb on one hand, the other hand – slightly shaky – ruffling his hair, then dropping down to fidget with the hem of his simple white V-neck t-shirt. Harry’s obvious nervousness did nothing to calm Louis down, even though he was glad H was willing to try this despite being so anxious.

“Hi, Lou.” Harry gave him a tense smile, when he was standing in front of him. 

“Hi Haz.” Louis returned the smile tentatively, crossing his arms protectively in front of his chest. 

Harry’s eyes nervously wandered past Louis into the house, peering around him searchingly. Louis decided to put him out of his misery and give him a moment to breathe. “He’s down for his nap right now, we should have about twenty minutes before he’s up again.”

Harry took a deep breath, as Louis led the way into the house. He looked around curiously, having never been to this one before. It wasn’t as big as Harry’s house, Louis always being more focused on practicality and functionality instead of luxury. They passed by a staircase leading upstairs, before walking through an open archway leading into the living slash dining room. The place looked comfortable, a lot of warm colours everywhere, and it seemed lived in. There were children’s toys scattered around the floor. It looked like a home, not a place Louis only stayed at a few weeks per year. Big glass double doors decorated with colourful finger paint handprints and other doodles, that made Harry smile softly, led out to the patio. Out there he could see a barbecue area, a big lawn, also scattered with some toys, as well as a football and two small goals, and a bit further to the side the – for California pretty much obligatory – swimming pool.

Harry’s focus was drawn away from the windows by Louis asking him what he’d like to drink. Near the dining table, another archway led to the kitchen, Harry followed Louis in there, while the older one listed his choices. Haz chose tea, and while Louis prepared it, he kept sneaking looks at Harry who kept curiously glancing around.

Harry’s eyes were after a while drawn to the refrigerator and the colourful children’s drawings stuck on there with alphabet-magnets. Louis had to suppress a curse, as Harry stepped closer to the fridge. Damn, he had forgotten about the drawing. Sure, it was one of many on there, but Freddie had insisted on writing names above the stick figures. Louis had carefully written out in big block letters what Freddie wanted to write. The lad copying the letters carefully onto his drawing, using a different colour for each letter, some of them still coming out backwards. While doing this, Freddie’s tongue had been sticking out in fierce concentration, looking so cute, Louis had to sneak a photo of him, using it as his home screen on his phone for weeks afterwards.

Louis could see the exact moment Harry’s eyes landed on the drawing, as his whole body practically froze on the spot. Louis turned around, focusing on the colourful wax crayon lines of the three stick figures on the piece of paper, two big, one a bit smaller. The big blue stick figure with brown hair sticking away to all sides from his head, was labelled _DADDY_. Next came the smaller one, bright red with yellow hair sticking up from the head, labelled _FЯEDDIE_. Then there came the purple stick figure, mass of curly brown hair swirling around the head. The label reading _HAЯЯY_. The younger man was staring at it uncomprehendingly. A tentative hand reaching out, beringed fingers tracing the lines of his name carefully. After a while he managed to tear his gaze away from it, turning his big green –so green – questioning eyes towards Louis. He couldn’t handle looking into those eyes for long, so he lowered his gaze to the ground, he was feeling fidgety again. Heart thumping madly in his chest.

“Um…” he started, insecurely, not quite knowing how to explain Harry’s presence in Freddie’s drawing. Then, suddenly, he remembered. “You know…remember when I was talking to Nick…? Um…when he asked me what changed for me to be ready to come out?”

Harry nodded slowly, realisation dawning in his expression. “You…you said Freddie.” He whispered.

“Yes, when he asked me who I love. I…I told him…about you…he had a lot of questions…he’s curious about you, often asks to hear stories…um…I showed him photos…some video clips…I just…I’m sorry, Haz, I know you might not want me to talk to him about that but I just…I needed him to know about us. And yeah, I know right now there is no us, and he’s only three, and he won’t understand everything about this complicated mess that’s going on with us, but it’s…” Louis’ rambling was suddenly interrupted by a thump from upstairs, followed by a loud whine. Louis instantly snapped into dad-mode sprinting out of the room, up the stairs and into Freddie’s room, everything else forgotten for the moment, his heart beating out of his chest, his mind racing with possible scenarios.

He found Freddie sitting on the floor next to his bed, tangled in his sheets, crying loudly, big tears rolling down his cheeks. Louis getting down on his knees next to him to gently pick him up, hands surreptitiously wandering over his small body, trying to detect any injuries. He breathed a relieved sigh when he couldn’t find anything off and started rocking him gently in his arms, making soothing sounds.

“Hey lad…did you fall off your bed?” he asked softly, while standing up with Freddie in his arms, when the lad had calmed down a bit after a while.

The boy nodded against his shoulder sniffling loudly. Louis gently swayed back and forth, spotting Skit still on the bed, he bent down to pick him up. He pressed a kiss onto Freddie’s head, carrying him into the bathroom. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up. There’s someone downstairs who’d very much like to see you.”

This managed to get Freddie to perk up, the little scare from the fall fading into the background for now. “Who? Who? Uncle Li?” he started guessing excitedly, taking Skit, clutching him to his chest, while his daddy cleaned his face with a wet cloth.

“No, not uncle Li. Does anything hurt?” Louis asked, just to make sure he hadn’t missed anything during his examination.

Freddie shook his head distractedly. “Uncle Niall?” the lad kept asking.

“No, not him either.” Louis answered while helping him use the toilet.

Freddie kept listing all of Louis’ family members he could remember, babbling excitedly, while following his dad to the stairs, making Louis laugh and shake his head. “Up?” he asked, making grabby hands at his dad, eyeing the stairs with slight trepidation, apparently still a bit shaken by his earlier fall. Louis picked him up, letting him cuddle into his arms while carrying him downstairs, the lad resuming his listing of names.

Louis could see Harry pacing in the hallway clearly indecisive about going upstairs and checking on them or staying put waiting. Freddie must have noticed as well, since he suddenly stopped talking mid-question, twisting in his dad’s arms to get a better view of their visitor. Two identical pairs of bright blue eyes focused on Harry, making him stop in his tracks, nervously meeting their gaze as Louis stepped closer to him.

A bright smile lit up Freddie’s face as soon as recognition settled in. “Harry!” he squealed excitedly, starting to squirm in Louis’ arms, reaching for a wide-eyed Harry.

Louis moved one hand protectively to Freddie’s chest, keeping him from toppling out of his arms, while turning questioning eyes to Harry. Would he be okay with this? Could he handle not only meeting the lad but also being so close? Rationally he knew Harry was great with kids. He had seen it time and time again, not only with Lux but also other kids they had met during their time together. He just had this fear deep down that no matter how many feelings there still might be between Harry and him, the younger one would not be able to accept Freddie. He felt slightly nauseous again, but was trying not to show his nervousness to not upset his son.

Harry surprised him, though, by smiling at the lad, a real – though slightly insecure – smile, green eyes sparkling. After only a moment’s hesitation, his eyes flicking nervously to Louis and back to Freddie, he was reaching out for him and taking him out of Louis’ arms.

“Hi, Freddie. Nice to meet you.” He greeted the lad, followed by a surprised quiet chuckle as Freddie went right into a tight hug as soon as he was in Harry’s arms, his small arms locking around his neck, head cuddled into his shoulder. “You’re my favorite. Daddy tells the bestest stories about you.” The lad exclaimed excitedly.

Harry was hugging him back carefully, holding the small boy securely in his embrace, even though Louis could spot a whole range of emotions flickering across his face, reaching from confusion to endearment and insecurity and back to confusion again. And Louis had to suppress a sob at the sight of it all. _Breathe…just breathe._ Never, ever, had he even dared to dream about seeing the two loves of his life like this. He inconspicuously tried to wipe away the tears that were threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes, though Harry’s softening expression told him that he wasn’t fooling anyone.

Between playing footie outside – Freddie won, of course – adding more toys to the living room floor, and cooking pasta for tea – sure, Louis would never turn into a master chef, but he did know how to prepare his son’s favourites, much to Harry’s surprise – the afternoon practically flew by and before they knew it, it was Freddie’s bedtime. After hugging Harry goodbye, making him promise to visit again, Freddie followed his daddy upstairs to get ready for bed. For once he did not put up a fuss about brushing his teeth and after a bed-time-story from his dad, the lad was snuggled up to Skit under his sheets and dropping off to sleep. Louis made sure the nightlight was on, showing a pattern of stars on the ceiling, before softly closing the door to his lad’s room and returning downstairs to Harry who was once again pacing nervously in the hallway.

Louis stopped, once he descended the stairs, all of a sudden feeling insecure again, now that they were on their own again. Suddenly all his fears were back. Had Harry just pretended for Freddie’s sake? Could he not wait to get out of here? Despite what a lot of people in the fandom thought, he knew Haz was good at pretending, even though he was usually able to still read him. But the years apart had taken their toll on them, so right now Louis was absolutely clueless as to what was going on in the younger one’s head.

When Harry just stopped his pacing, staring at the ground in front of Louis, showing no inclination of saying or doing something, Louis’ stomach dropped. Suddenly the nausea was back.

“Haz?” he breathed, voice insecure and scared. Fuck, his hands were shaking and looking down he could see Harry’s were too. No, no, no…this couldn’t be it. He couldn’t bear to watch his love walk out of his life once again.

“Haz?” he repeated and this time he couldn’t hold back a sob, his eyes swimming with tears. This time, Harry looked up, a shaky hand pushing his hair back out of his face, no longer hiding the tears glistening on his cheeks. Another sob escaped Louis at the sight, the tiny flicker of hope that had risen in his chest in their past few hours with Freddie, turning to dust. Suddenly Harry stepped forward, letting out a sob of his own, before pulling Louis into his arms and the smaller one was sure: This is goodbye. Here they were, both so lost, unable to find their way back to each other, crying in each other’s arms, mourning their lost love, the mistakes that were made and their inability to fix them. Louis desperately held onto the younger man, burying his hands in his shirt, so sure that if he let him walk out of his door now, he would never see him again and this thought crushed his heart and tore at his soul. But since Harry made no move to step away from him yet, he held on, selfishly wanting to soak up every last second with him, trying to burn everything about it – about HIM – into his memory. If this was all he would have to remember from now on, he wanted to make it last, even though the pain in his heart was becoming unbearable. _Keep breathing._

After a while, Harry gently pushed Louis back. He was reluctant to let him go, but he could clearly not prevent the inevitable, so he forced himself to let go. It was time. He had to close his eyes as the younger man gently cupped his face in both hands, wiping away the tears with his thumbs, which was really no use, since new ones followed promptly. And just how could Harry be so good to him and comfort him, after everything that happened? For fuck’s sake, he was the bastard in this whole situation, he didn’t deserve comfort from the man he hurt so much. He finally had to let him go. Set him free, let him be happy elsewhere, with someone that didn’t hurt him so much. He took a deep shaky breath, taking a step back, preparing himself to watch Harry walk out of his life for good, when a whispered “Lou” and Harry’s hands not letting go of his face stopped him dead in his tracks.

Confused blue eyes met green and Louis’ legs almost gave out as he recognised the gentle look in them. “Haz?” he asked, voice shaky and scratchy from crying. He did not dare do get his hopes up once more, but the look in Harry’s eyes did definitely not say goodbye, he just wasn’t sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him, he didn’t trust himself and his judgement anymore in this situation. Again, Harry used his thumbs to wipe away Louis’ tears, before leaning down, resting their foreheads against each other. Louis was shaking too much to do anything but stand there and try not to fall to his knees. What was happening? _Breathe._

“I need some time.” He finally heard Harry’s scratchy deep voice whispering. “I’m gonna need some time to myself, sort my head out. But…but I promise…I will be back. I will. I’m not gonna run this time. I promise, Lou, do you hear me?” 

Louis was dumbfounded and could only nod, after the whispered words registered with him. That seemed enough confirmation for Harry, though, a tiny sad smile stealing onto his face. For a moment he looked indecisive, before he suddenly leaned down, pecking the corner of Louis mouth and before Louis could wake from his stupor, there was a whispered “See you.” and Harry was out the door, walking to his car, wiping his tears from his face, before getting in and driving off, throwing one last glance at the wrecked man he left in the hallway.

Louis stared at his still open door unmoving, until he could no longer hear the sound of Harry’s car leaving his premises. One hand rose, slowly touching the corner of his mouth, still feeling the tingle of Harry’s kiss there.


	4. It's you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. Here it is: the next – and final – chapter. It kind of turned out to be a bit epilogue-y but I hope you’ll like it anyways.  
> Feedback is always appreciated, so thank you all for leaving comments or kudos.

What followed was radio silence. At least on Harry’s part. Everything else in Louis life was buzzing around his new single at the moment. He didn’t mind at all, at least it kept him busy and distracted him from too many thoughts about Harry. During the quiet moments he had to practically force himself to not reach out to the younger man, trying to hang on to Harry’s promise to come back into his life, even though he half feared he wouldn’t. The problem just was: Haz never specified WHEN that would be. The wait was slowly but surely killing Louis.

The more days went by without a sign from H the more Louis lost hope. Pestering Nick for updates on Harry didn’t get him anywhere and there was only so much to do to distract himself from thinking about his ex. It squeezed his heart thinking that maybe that moment in his LA hallway was goodbye after all.

On day eighteen Louis decided to abandon hope. Eighteen days should surely have been enough for Harry to contact him again. He just had to face the truth: It was never going to happen, Haz probably just didn’t want to brutally break Louis’ heart when he left, so he decided to give him some false hope.

Louis could do this. He would go on with his life, for his little lad, for his family. He did it once before, after all. He just needed to bury himself in his work, pick up the shattered pieces of his heart, glue them back together again and not be foolish enough this time to hope for a second chance. It was day twenty when all of these thoughts were shot to hell.

Louis had just arrived in his London home after a tiring day filled with interview after interview. He flopped down on his sofa swearing to himself not to move an inch for at least the next hour, when his phone chimed with an incoming message. He groaned while digging his mobile out of his tight pants pocket, not really in the mood for any disturbances tonight, but still too curious to ignore the message.

Clicking on his message inbox, he nearly dropped the phone, when he saw the name of the sender. Harry. His hands were shaking, his heart was suddenly thumping madly in his chest, he felt slightly nauseous and dizzy. _Keep breathing._

It took him a moment to get his breathing under control, another moment to get his hands to stop shaking enough to actually be able to tap the message to open it, and another moment to finally pluck up the courage to actually go through with opening it. He had to let out a slightly hysteric disbelieving laugh when he finally read the message. It was not long and not at all what he expected, just _‘Hey, hope you’re having a good day.’_ Well, his day had been okay so far, though after receiving this, easy to say it was not okay, but actually amazing! Even though those few words didn’t really express anything important, to him they meant the world.

It took him a few minutes to get together a reply, but after that they kept texting on and off again during the following days, though there seemed to be an unspoken agreement to steer clear of any serious talk about them or what happened on that afternoon in LA. Louis was fine with this for now, too glad that Harry had decided to contact him again to scare him off by mentioning anything controversial so soon. Though there were moments when he felt just so fucking stupid for always falling so easily for Harry’s charms, for getting his hopes up once more.

They also picked up their conversation in the group chat with Grimmy. While Nick was still a bit reluctant about this whole coming-out-by-getting-caught-plan, he slowly seemed to be resigning himself to his fate – after some encouragement from Harry. Louis on the other hand was starting to have doubts as well. He was just so nervous about this all. Sure, he wanted to finally be out, he just felt like things were starting to get on track with Harry again and he hated to jeopardise it by being involved with his friend in the public eye. However, since Harry kept reassuring him, he relented, agreeing to finally go through with their plan.

***************************************************************************

Their chance came sooner than expected. Only a few weeks later, Louis had been booked to perform a few songs at a charity event, sponsored by BBC Radio 1. Nick was there to do some interviews, live-broadcasting them on the radio. They decided to put their plan in motion during the after party. Besides other artists and Nick’s radio-colleagues there would also be other members of the press present, as well as fans who had bought tickets to the party at a charity-auction, which meant there would be a lot of cameras present and unlike other similar parties there would not be a photo-ban in place, they checked. It was perfect.

They arrived separately to the party, not wanting to be too obvious from the start. After a few drinks that were a lot less heavy on the alcohol than they seemed – they both agreed to keep a clear head for this – they started up a conversation which quickly turned flirtatious, like agreed upon. Louis grew more nervous with every minute that passed, not sure if he wanted to just get it over with already or chicken out at the last minute.

After a while, Nick was standing close, leaning down to whisper in his ear, one hand on Louis’ hip, a drink in the other. For everyone else in the room looking like he was pulling a move on the shorter man. “You’re absolutely sure? Still time to back out.” He offered, clearly picking up on Louis’ nervousness and also sounding a bit fidgety himself.

Louis’ whole body was vibrating with energy, something just clicking into place for him, thinking _‘Screw it!’_ Yes, he was nervous, but the good kind of nervous, he was so ready for this. For everyone to know. For him, there was no going back now. This was his chance. He would not waste it like he had so many others. He leaned up towards Nick’s ear to answer. “Absolutely sure. But if you’d rather pull out of our deal, then just say so.” They both knew Nick would be getting more hate for this than him.

He’d put his hand on Nick’s back, pulling him down a little so that it was easier to talk in his ear. Louis could feel the eyes of several sensation-seeking people on them, observing them with varying degrees of subtlety, disbelief and curiosity since they started drifting closer to each other, flirting openly. After all, they were famously rumoured to hate each other. Some even already had their phones out, not so subtly trying to get their interaction caught on film. Perfect.

“Shut up, let’s just go for it.” Nick quipped without heat, a fond smile spreading on his face. Louis gave him a thankful smile, knowing what would be in store for the DJ once this hit the internet. He couldn’t believe he ever doubted how good of a friend the man could be. Having read a lot of tweets directed at Nick and Harry back in the day, he could only imagine the nasty things some fans might throw Nick’s way this time around and still he was willing to go through with this plan. Louis really appreciated it, knowing that the fans’ reactions had more than once broken up potential friendships or even relationships for the One D lads in the past. Some of their comments could just be really scary, especially to people who’re not used to all the attention.

Nick interrupted his thoughts by tightening his grip on Louis’ waist, pulling him closer so that he was almost flush against him.

Louis gave him a challenging, sassy smirk, letting his hand slowly drift down Nick’s back, down, down until he could slide his hand into the back-pocket of Nick’s jeans, letting his hand rest there. Nick had to choke back an incredulous laugh. Okay, they were really doing this. Well, here goes…

Grimmy was just starting to lean down, closing the distance to Louis’ lips, when suddenly a small commotion broke out around them, making him look around in confusion. All of a sudden, Nick was being pushed out of the way, someone sliding into his place right into Louis’ personal space.

He did a double take at the person standing in front of him, just putting his hands on Louis’ waist. “Harry?” Nick and Louis asked in unison, both utterly confused. What was he doing here? Harry was supposed to be in Italy, he was booked for a photo-shoot. Why the fuck was he here?

“I can’t let you do it…I can’t let you go through with it. Not with Nick.” Harry sounded breathless and a little desperate. “Sorry.” He added for Nicks benefit throwing him a glance over his shoulder, before focusing back on Louis.

“H, we talked about this. We agreed it was time for me to finally do this.” Louis argued, cupping Harry’s cheek tenderly, looking concerned.

“I know…I know, Lou. But not with Nick, it’s not supposed to be Nick.” He whispered, his voice getting slightly higher, a desperate edge to it. Louis could see unshed tears shining in those green eyes he loved so much. He tenderly stroked his thumb along Harry’s cheekbone. 

“Haz, I’m…” Louis didn’t get to finish his sentence.

Harry cut him off with a kiss, taking Louis’ breath away. He was finally feeling Harry’s lips on his again, after all this time. He stood frozen for a second in disbelief, until he felt those wonderful lips pressing more intently against his own. He drew in a shaky breath through his nose, while breathing in Harry’s unique scent, then all rational thought left him. The hand cupping Harry’s cheek moved to his neck, pulling him in, impossibly closer, as Louis kissed him back, putting all his feelings into this one kiss, still afraid it might be the last time he’ll get to do this.

Everything else was fading into the background. All he could feel, see, or think was Harry. In this moment, there was nothing else. There was no Grimmy gaping at them in surprise, then crossing his arms and looking smug, like he knew all along something like this would happen. There were no fans, industry people or journalists staring at them, camera-phones held up, recording every look, every touch, every kiss, in high definition, probably even live-streaming it. There were no thoughts in his head about this already hitting the internet or about the headlines this footage would conjure. It was just Harry. His soft, though slightly chapped lips against his. His tongue teasing its way into Louis’ mouth. His big hands on his hips, pulling him flush against the taller man’s frame. His body heat seeping through two layers of clothes, making Louis almost dizzy with want. The soft skin of his jaw, with a hint of stubble, Louis could feel while cupping his face. His other hand tangled in the soft short curls he missed so much. He could have gone on with this kiss, this moment, forever, if it weren’t for Grimmy, giving them a discreet nudge, stirring them out of their fogged minds, before things could get even more heated.

Slowly their surroundings started to filter back in as their kiss grew less desperate but slower and more tender. In the end, Harry pecked Louis lips a few times, before drawing his head back a little, a sheepish grin on his face.

Even though their faces were still turned to each other, they could see the camera flashes and people murmuring and pointing at them out of the corners of their eyes, Grimmy standing next to them with a bemused smirk on his face. However, for the first time in his life, Louis couldn’t care less.

Let them go ahead and record and post anything they like. Let them write headlines that would make all of their PR-Teams’ heads spin. Let them speculate all they wanted about their past, about Louis’ new song, about Nick’s involvement in all of this. He didn’t care. Sure, they would all have to deal with the fallout later, but…Harry had kissed him. HARRY. HAD. KISSED. HIM. In front of everyone. Staking his claim. He flew in all the way from fucking Italy to prevent Louis kissing someone else. Jealous of Grimmy, even though it was Harry’s bloody idea in the first place for them to have a public snog.

Harry still wanted him. And fuck did he look gorgeous. Lips red and glistening and looking thoroughly kissed, a broad smile on his face, dimples showing, sparkling green eyes focused on Louis, holding so much love in them it made Louis a bit dizzy. _Just breathe._ Never in a million years had he thought Harry would look at him like that ever again. Louis’ heart was practically bouncing in his chest for joy. He couldn’t believe he had gotten this lucky a second time. To have the man he loved since they were teenagers back in his arms. To have the man he loved love him back. And he swore to himself that he would do anything in his power to not screw up this time, to not waste his second chance. Of course, their issues weren’t magically solved all of a sudden. There were still a lot of open questions, a lot of things to work through. But it was a start. This time, they would be working together to find their way back.


End file.
